When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world.
I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation.
When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town.
I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.
Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family.
My family and I could have made an impact on our town.
Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.”
* * *
I used to be a very political being. Politics made my blood rush and it excited me so much. I'm a very inquisitive person and I question everything. In fact people say that I ask too many questions. I was also deep into conspiracy theories and was once a communist (they say, "once a communist always a communist").
I can say that my teen life until my mid-twenties was focused on politics. I found it as one of my early passions. It must be the influence of my father who subscribed to Time magazine and Asia Week when I was growing up as a little girl. Sometimes I hear my father talking to himself after he just read an article. I heard him cursing the Gulf War and George Bush I in the 90's for example.
In the mid 80's when my country was under martial law, and although I didn't understand what was happening, I could feel some inhibition and tension in the atmosphere. I was about 5 to 6 years old, when my father sent me to put anti-government comic magazines in peoples' doorsteps. At first he was adamant to send me for this task, but after he made sure that I understood that I have to be careful that nobody sees what I was doing and that I leave each place immediately, he handed me a bunch of comics and off I went happily trotting towards the neighbors doorsteps.
I would say that at an early age, I was somehow politicized. I started reading any stuff around the house or just looked at the pictures of the magazines I can put my hands on. I saw pictures of the Berlin Wall falling, an idyllic North Korea with leader Kim Il Sung, USSR, Vietnam Wars, and others.
So by the time I was ready for college and was faced with the dilemma of choosing a field of study, I didn't exactly know what to choose as my major. But since politics and philosophizing (asking questions, seeking knowledge) were some things that were already a bit familiar with me, I chose Political Science and Philosophy as my majors.
Later, I dropped Philosophy and shifted to History. I still loved Philosophy but I found out that there was just too much talking and airy-fairy brain-breaking philosophizing without much action being done to effect a real change. Furthermore, the Philosophy being taught in my university was so western-oriented and although it was exciting at first, I felt that there was something lacking. I think what was lacking was some sort of cultural, sociological and historical relation/connection to my roots as an Asian, as a Filipino, and as a member of a certain cultural community.
I found History more practical than Philosophy because it is the actual study of the past in relation to the present and in what may happen in the future. In addition to my politically-oriented academic subjects, I was also a student activist. I was a communist who spent days and nights digesting and discussing politics, and trying to effect change in the world.
Then I applied for a scholarship to go to grad school abroad. My wish was granted, I got a full sponsorship and after 2 more frenzied years of politicking, I graduated with an M.A. in International Relations.
In grad school, I had a good venue to write about controversial issues. I wrote about clash of civilizations, conspiracy theories, and the other non-mainstream politics and knowledge. I always bent towards the alternatives or the less-heard and less popular political persuasions which earned me some mixed recognition from my professors and classmates. One professor simply gave me a B in my clash of civilizations' paper. Another professor called me in to his office to talk about my "very interesting but controversial" paper. One more professor just wrote many "far-fetched" comments in one of my papers, and yet another professor had a chat with me, over a cup of mocha, telling me to better not delve so much about these conspiracy theories.
I don't regret what I did or my way of thinking back then. Although controversial papers gave me low grades and a reputation, I enjoyed what I did and I had fun. I was young, idealistic, agitated, and wanted to shock people and see their funny reactions. And, of course, :-) I wanted to change the world and my nation.
But what is my point in telling this summarized but long story about my politicized self? I tell this story because at this moment in my life, I am no longer very keen about politics. I have had it, I had my time for it, I learned, I enjoyed, I argued, I fought... But now, I need to go on to the next level. I cannot go on talking about politics until I die. I feel that this time in my life is focused towards other things, towards myself especially, and the little that I can contribute around me.
And I am not opposed to people who want to go on talking about politics, or to people who want to instill awareness to others. And I am not an airy-fairy or a floating traveler who doesn't give a damn on what's going on around me. As long as I have some awareness, and know what I am doing, I don't want to be dragged into politicking. It's not because I find politics boring, dirty, corrupt, dangerous, or waste of my time and energy. I can listen to new knowledge (if indeed they are new to me) and make myself aware, but I am not just into debating political issues at this time and I want my decision to be respected.
I am not against people who work within themselves and at the same time politicize. In fact, I admire Ananda Marga for this very stance they have. I have always been a fan of Ananda Marga. A couple of years ago, when one of their gurus gave a talk in my city, I went to see and as I was listening to his talk, something inside me was deeply touched and activated. I liked it when he explained how mankind's suffering can be eased through social and political activism.
There comes a certain point when you feel that you have to change your strategy in the struggle for a better world. Now I feel that point. I'm taking a new path and a new strategy, and although my political self can be aroused one day, this time, I'm mellowed, and I direct my energy towards something else. So if you please excuse me... thank you.
5 comments:
Kayni said...
Well written and well expressed. I think at some point in our lives, we come to a turning point where certain changes in the way we think, what we want, and how we deal with reality occur. What your experiencing right now has happened to me about a few years back. I have certainly changed my focus and my attention. I think this is part of our chosen path and journey to finding out what defines us.
Kero said...
Hi Artemis! I like what i'm reading here. Thank you for the visit!. Yes, Arnel Pineda is pure pinoy. He was discovered by Journey through Youtube and contacted him because he really sounded like Steve Perry haha. Paid posts, yes it really pays well.and NO you don;t have to buy anything. just make the readers think you are going to buy teehee. They pay you in dollars so it is quite much. I can't do it now because i am busy with Andreas, but i would want to resume my paid posts when we found a helper. see you around!
Angeli said...
hi artemis. so what is that something else?
artemis said...
I agree Kayni, I think change is inevitable. And it is because we are continuously growing and rediscovering and redefining ourselves.
Hi Kero, omighoddess, I spent almost the whole night you-tubing and following Arnel's story. This is such a rare event and he serves as an inspiration to many.
Hey Angie, hmm, that something else is anything but politics. Maybe blogging paid posts, for a sort of revenue. hihi
d_d_d said...
"blogging paid posts" LOL =P
hey girl- how you doing?